DEAR BEHENJI

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Saag & Daikon

Dear Behenji,

My family doesn’t know that I’m gay as they are pretty orthodox. But I am in love with my neighbour living down the street, we make great tunes together. My parents know I think but don’t want to face it since I spend so much time with my “neighbour”. We don’t know what to do!

Dear Brown Guy,

I’m personally not into daikon mixed with saag but to each their own. You have the right to be happy as long as your journey to happiness doesn’t harm anyone. Your parents raised you with a lot more love than you may realize – tell them how you feel, or maybe trust another close family member to find out how you should approach your parents. But know that parents will prefer honesty from you directly.

30 Year Old Virgin

Dear Behenji,

I just broke up with my fiancé because I ran into her ex-boyfriend and I didn’t like how it made me feel. I want my woman to be pure, so no one can say anything to me in the future about it, so we can live in peace knowing the past won’t come back to haunt us. I mean, she wasn’t my first either but I can handle my women not speaking out of turn. How do I stop missing her?

Dear 30-Year-Old Virgin,

Get over yourself. Why is a man who has slept with multiple partners considered a stud, but a woman who has had relationships in the past considered a slut? Fitte muh tere! You can’t have your cake and eat it too. There was a time in human history that seeing the bare flesh of a woman’s ankles in public (because her dress wasn’t concealing enough) was considered ‘unbecoming of a woman.’ Today, this train of thought is flashed around to make a woman feel socially unacceptable. Get with the program – you attract what you put out so if you want to marry a virgin, keep your own virtue hidden until your suhaag raat.

Lousy Lover

Dear Behenji,

I’ve had conversations with (close) friends and they’ve confided in me about how lousy their sex lives are with their current partners. I’ve also had conversations where the persons involved speak highly of their sex lives knowing full well that their current partner (men and women) were sexually involved with other persons in our group prior to the current relationship. I’m of the later. Do I just have bad friends?

Dear Lousy Lover,

Yes, your friends are dumb and you are even dumber to keep up false pretenses just to save face. It’s like you are looking London, talking Tokyo. Life is complicated as it is, chill maaro. Clearly, these “friendships” are not deep and meaningful, so why do you try to be fake just to please them? Forget them, focus on your own partner and make your love-game strong. Kama Sutra was created by Indians for Indians, and practice makes perfect.

Trust No Aunty is a humorous, illustrated “survival guide” written by artist Maria Qamar, and is based on her experience in a South Asian immigrant family which is her take on how to deal with overbearing “Aunties,” available at your local Chapters Indigo bookstore. Pictured above is a Hatecopy Desi Pop Art original on poster print.
$17.37, HateCopy.com 

Khush raho, mere dosto!

Have a question for Behenji? Email it to hello@aaarzumagazine.com with the subject: Dear Behenji.